Faith When Confronted with Same-Sex Attraction
Now, I know that Same-Sex Attraction (SSA) isn’t an affliction or whatever, I’m not going into that because I don’t know about that sort of thing. Neither does this response to this question. It is referred to as an obstacle and so on insofar as it is an obstacle to a full, loving relationship with God.
Dear Father,
I have been reading the information you’ve posted lately about same sex attraction, particularly from the Canadian Conference of Bishops. I struggle with same sex attraction myself, and I have a number of friends who do as well. I have been to Courage meetings and have done quite a bit of volunteer work in the Church. I pray, frequent the sacraments, and have had spiritual direction. Over time the Lord has helped me make significant growth in chastity.
It’s sad to say, but all of my friends who struggle with SSA and try to remain faithful to the Church have gone through difficult periods tending toward despair. Some have even left the Church. The struggle with chastity is difficult in itself, but I think there’s an even deeper problem which is the object of my question.
The interest in Theology of the Body, the sacrament of marriage, and fatherhood has been great in the life of the Church, but it leaves those like me with SSA feeling incomplete. If the vocation of my life is to lay my life down for a spouse, which will lead me to holiness, either as a husband or as a priest (whose spouse is the Church), then what is the vocation of someone with SSA who can neither be a priest nor be married? It seems as though there is a high and noble vocation for most people, but for one with SSA the vocation is the suffering and sense of uselessness caused by being incapable of a “real” vocation. It seems as though we have been predisposed to being incapable of fully giving of ourselves in a way that bears fruit. It seems that people like us have been forgotten by God, or that we are an accident that shouldn’t have happened.
So, my question is, how does one with SSA not merely cope with temptations and suffering, but actually live a life of heroic virtue and become a saint? What is our vocation? - AnonymousYes, that’s the million-dollar question nowadays, isn’t it? Thanks for sharing this so openly. I wish I had enough expertise to give you a full enough answer. But let me give some disconnected thoughts, and forgive me for the limitations in advance, would you?
First off, I want to agree with everything you say. Everything. As a feature of mainstream society, homosexuality is quite “new” in the sense that it’s only been out in the open for the last 50 years or so, and so the Church is still coming to grips with it. The difference between societal acceptance and prevalence in the West even 10-15 years ago and today is almost incredible. The Church’s pastoral outreach to persons with SSA has been very limited and halting, for a bunch of mostly internal reasons but most especially because Church leaders have been primarily playing defense in order to defend marriage in the public sphere. So it’s natural that folks with SSA who desire to find consolation and support in the Church have often ended up feeling like roadkill in the great big scheme of things.
In my not-humble-enough opinion, I think we put too much emphasis on the theology of the body. Sure, it’s a huge step forward in the Church’s understanding of married sexuality and its confidence about discussing it publicly. But sometimes we talk about TOB as if it’s the solution to all possible problems, etc.
To engage your questions a little more directly, I think our natural tendency is going to be to equate “vocation” with “sexuality,” but it’s really not the primary component of it, just as it’s not the primary and defining component of our life.
Ultimately, the vocation of a priest and a wife and a single man and a 6-year-old with terminal cancer is all the same: Our calling is to eternal happiness with God in heaven. We are being called there by different paths, but God’s love is ultimately the same for all. Some roads are more difficult than others, but all of them are difficult. All of them require renunciation, pain, sacrifice… and sure, moments of joy that are foretastes of heaven. But all of us have to “take up our cross” and follow Him on the “royal road of the Cross.”
His children with SSA have not been “forgotten about by God”; neither does God have a “special vocation” just for you. Rather, you are just like everyone else: fallen human creatures whom God has redeemed by a love unto death on the Cross. And, that said, the heavier the cross, the faster you can become holy… that’s one of the most basic rules of the spiritual life.
At least that’s what I read when the YouCat discusses this question:
There is no person on earth who is not descended from a union of a mother and a father. Therefore it is a painful experience for many homosexually oriented people that they do not feel erotically attracted to the opposite sex and necessarily miss out on the physical fruitfulness of the union between man and woman according to human nature and the divine order of creation. Nevertheless, God often leads souls to himself along unusual paths: a lack, a loss, or a wound — if accepted and affirmed — can become a springboard for throwing oneself into the arms of God: the God who brings good out of everything and whose greatness can be discovered in redemption even more than in creation. (#65)
So I don’t think we can say that you’re “predisposed to being incapable of fully giving of yourself in a way that bears fruit.” God didn’t make you so that you could suffer. He made you for heaven. The crosses we bear are things that he allows, and he can always bring good out of them. No matter what consequences you endure because of your own personal cross — even if it’s incomprehension and hatred, even from members of the Church — God loves you and he’s going to bring good out of that experience.
You can definitely fully give of yourself in love. It may not be in a life-giving way, and it may not be in a sexualized relationship, but you’re not “predisposed” or “predetermined” or “predestined” to frustration. Guaranteed. God will show you the way.
But let’s jump to the key passage of Church teaching on this question, Catechism #2359:
Homosexual persons are called to chastity. By the virtues of self-mastery that teach them inner freedom, at times by the support of disinterested friendship, by prayer and sacramental grace, they can and should gradually and resolutely approach Christian perfection.
Okay, now just replace “homosexual persons” there with “everybody,” and what do we get? A decent description of holiness for everybody. All of us are called to the virtue of chastity according to our state in life, and for all of us it means that we can’t give free rein to our desires. A married person is still restricted in their sexual activity to a single person; everyone else must observe continence. So as you say, it’s a difficult struggle for everyone. Saints aren’t folks who have no difficulties… they’re folks who became holy thanks to their difficulties! Think of it like sandpaper that is slowly and painfully shaping you into a beautiful work of art.
But simply because of that, I think you might end up making things unnecessarily difficult for yourself if your spirituality needs to revolve around your sexuality. As a priest, if I make my spiritual life revolve around celibacy, there’s something wrong with that. My spiritual life is a love affair, not some sort of “framework for life” I construct logically, so it has to revolve around the One I’m in love with.
For example, that’s actually how celibacy works in the first place. I didn’t go out and start shopping around for lifestyles in which I could be celibate… instead, God little by little was making known to me his desires for my life. And he just asked me to say Yes to his Plan, and then everything else just followed from that. Celibacy, poverty, leaving home and family, obedience, etc. Since you’re called to something similar, it’s probably worth putting in those terms: I’m a Christian first, and my continence only makes sense — and I only desire it — in terms of my love for Christ.
Let me give you a quick YouCat dump on that, which you might not need, but which helps put this in perspective:
Someone lives chastely when he is free to be loving and is not the slave of his drives and emotions. Anything, therefore, that helps one to become a more mature, freer, and more loving person and to form better relationships helps that person to love chastely, also.
Not everyone is called to marriage, but everyone is called to love. We are destined to give our lives away; many do so in the form of marriage, others in the form of voluntary celibacy for the sake of the kingdom of heaven, others by living alone and yet being there for others. All human life finds its meaning in love. To be chaste means to love with an undivided heart.
The purity of heart required for love is achieved in the first place through union with God in prayer. When God’s grace touches us, this also produces a path to pure, undivided human love. A chaste person can love with a sincere and undivided heart. When we turn to God with a sincere intention, he transforms our hearts. He gives us the strength to correspond to his will and to reject impure thoughts, fantasies, and desires. (#405,406,463)
So, again, all of that applies to everyone, and in different personal ways to everyone’s situation.
So how can you shape your personal spirituality? First of all, it has to be an encounter with God. A real relationship with a real Person, not something theoretical. (This is something that it’s natural to have trouble with at the start, especially when SSA is involved, but God finds ways to break through.) One of the temptations that will be very heavy will be self-centeredness, so you’ll have to battle that the right way: putting Christ at the center of your life.
Your relationship then has to be based on your weakness and God’s greatness. It has to be something that you’re not afraid of, that you’re totally sincere about (it comes little by little, not overnight). To be able to look God in the eyes and smile. To patiently accept the misunderstandings of others — all Christians, especially the martyrs, have always had to put up with that. So that implies a spirituality based heavily on the sacraments. A spiritual life that gives of itself, that feels the need to share one’s time/talents/resources/faith, etc.
Any spirituality also tends to be based on the spiritual teaching of some of those who have already walked that path. Take a brief look at some writings by St. John of the Cross, St. Therese of Lisieux, Fr Tadeusz Dasczer, Thomas a Kempis, St Francis of Assisi, Fr Jacques Philippe, etc., and see if you “connect” with any of them. Having a spiritual friend — especially if it’s a saint that you can pray to — can be a sort of spiritual compass and inspiration for you. They already got to where you want to get. (There are countless other options; those are just a few starting points.)
It’s also extremely helpful to give Mary a big place in your spiritual life. A special relationship with your Heavenly Mother — some daily prayers, a daily Rosary, an image around the house to remind you of her presence, an occasional drive to a shrine of hers to place your special needs under her care — can blossom into healing and reassurance far faster than you might have imagined.
This will also depend on psychological stability, something that can’t necessarily be taken for granted; SSA often (not always) is accompanied by psychological strains or difficulties and has its roots in the same difficult situations that gave rise to them.
Then too, the more you discover deep rootedness in God, share it! Tell us all — tell the whole Church — what works and what doesn’t. Help us learn better how to answer the questions that you have now, and that so many millions of people share.
You have been loved by God into existence and you have been called by God to a life of grace and glory. If you’re striving to be faithful to his Church and putting up with all the hardships and misunderstandings that entails, he will NOT let you down now or make you walk this path blind. Guaranteed.
Again, like I said, I’m not an expert in this field at all, so I’m sorry about the limitations to this answer! God bless you.
- Father Shane
